No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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