my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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