my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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