I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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