just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
