were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
