I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
