I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
