He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
