Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
