Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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