i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
