So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
This can only be settled by a dance off.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
