In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize