lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
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I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
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If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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