Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
