Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
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I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
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Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive