every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
