In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
