haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
