I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
a search helicopter?!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
