my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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