Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
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Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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