I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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