I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was born a porn star she said
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
