tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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