it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
