We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
