So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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