and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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