so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
