Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
