where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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