It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just found a bag of teeth...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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