Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
