How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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