Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize