Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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