Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
