grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
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As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
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I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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