Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
