I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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