i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
