did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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