I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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