I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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