Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
