I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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