I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I want a musical about memes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
