my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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