woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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