med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
