I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
