His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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