im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
