can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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