I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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